For some time now, I’ve been straddling the line of logical, practical, nose-to-the-grindstone, Gary Vaynerchuk style me on the left; and intuitive, touchy-feely, go-with-the-flow, Abraham Hicks me on the right. I have one foot in the concrete jungle and the other foot on the moon. Can you picture that? It’s unsettling, like I’m always off balance. I feel I need to commit to one or the other.
Yet for many years I’ve done the concrete jungle particularly in the accounting world and it’s never fit. I believe it had a lot to do with me getting breast cancer. Now, as I take my first steps on the moon, there’s nothing underfoot, there’s no foundation, no stability. I’m floating. There’s no gravity pulling me down to earth. I often feel guilty about not putting my nose to the grindstone, like I’m somehow lazy. I want to believe, both feet in, but I’m not there yet.
I’ve started working with a Life and Business Coach. You may recall in my previous blog post, Starting fresh…, I talked about doing a deep dive into me, my beliefs, and tapping into my inner voice, my intuition. I chose this coach because I think she is a little more on the woo-woo side for lack of a better term. But hey, I know, you know, what I mean when I say woo-woo. If you’re not into woo-woo, and I totally get it if you’re not, then you may want to skip today’s post and that’s perfectly okay. On the other hand, if you’re the slightest bit curious and open to it, you may want to keep reading.
Last Monday, we had our intensive all-day session. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you it was intense. Let me preface this by saying I’ve done energy, empath, self-hypnosis, healing type work in the past when I was recovering from cancer, and I’ve always been skeptical. I’m very introspective but can I actually go deep within myself and communicate with my inner child, or see past lives to find out where my beliefs come from? I don’t know. It’s always felt like I was making it up.
I have a friend who can easily tap into this. She sees, hears, and feels things. Not me. I’ve tried and maybe that’s my problem, I’m trying too hard. The closest I’ve come is seeing colours. Apparently, that’s a good sign. At least I’m open to it.
I was a little nervous about the intensive session. I’d done my homework beforehand. I’d asked for referrals and spoke to 4 different women about their experience. I knew what to expect. I knew she was going to speak to other parts of me, perhaps the little girl in me. I wanted it to be different from my previous woo-woo encounters.
We started with fear. I thought fear was a big part of me. It was the thing that was holding me back in my business, in my life. My mom used to say I was scared of my own shadow. I was always told how shy I was growing up and even as an adult. It’s an ingrained belief. But when the coach tried to speak with fear, it or I had trouble answering. I felt like I was doing it wrong. I couldn’t seem to tap into fear.
So, she tried a completely different path and started to ask questions of the part of me called joy. That part was there. Answers came easily. Joy had been suppressed for a long time. As a little girl though it was strong. I recalled playing with my Barbies alone in my room, building a house for them out of a cardboard box and decorating it. I was proud of that house and played with it for hours on end. I loved dressing up my Barbies in different outfits and hanging their clothes on little hangars or folding them neatly in drawers. I was KonMaried, long before that was a thing. My mom often didn’t even know where I was because I was playing so quietly up in my room. Was I a loner? Maybe, but I was happy in my own creative make-believe world. I was joyful.
I also remember my favourite birthday gift from a friend whose mom had hand-sewn a jumpsuit for my Barbie. It had wide bell-bottom legs and shiny bric brac trim down the front. It was wrapped up in a little flat box, like a box a wallet would come in or a pair of gloves. It was the best gift ever. It brought me joy.
As I grew older and presumably wiser, I came to believe that my innate love of clothes and creating outfits, and dressing up dolls was frivolous, not a serious talent. You couldn’t make a living at it. In fact, I proved that by going to Design School and getting a Diploma in Fashion Merchandising and working in retail for a while. Of course, the money wasn’t great so I went back to school, got a Bachelor of Commerce degree, an accounting designation, and worked in a field that paid well but did not spark any joy in me.
After speaking with joy, we tried to go back and talk with fear. Nothing. I felt my mind was getting in the way. She asked my conscious mind to step aside and let her talk to the part called the mind that was separate from me. That seemed to work. We discovered the mind was full of chaotic, conflicting thoughts which it found overwhelming. We also discovered that the mind created fear. It was an excuse to not get things done, to procrastinate, to not move forward, to keep small and invisible.
When I consciously think about fear I know it’s not a big part of me. I’m not a fearful person. Despite all the conflict in the world, I believe the good far outweighs the bad, that the vast majority of people are kind-hearted, helpful, decent human beings. I’m not fearful for my daughter. I believe she’ll be fine being on her own even at such a young age. Do I miss her…YES…but I’m not full of fear. I’m not fearful of her figure skating even when she is doing triple jumps and falling…a lot…or being thrown in the air by a partner. I can see by her face that she loves it. It brings me joy not fear.
Of course, I experience fear…fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of people not liking me. There are lots of fears. But, it’s the mind that creates the fear. It’s trying to protect me. Don’t put yourself out there, then you won’t risk failure or being rejected. Is this good for me? Is this serving me? No. It thinks it’s keeping me safe. Really, it’s keeping me small.
My intuition, my inner voice, knows I can feel the fear and move forward anyway. I can be uncomfortable. Do I like it? No. Would I rather stay in my comfort zone? Yes. But nothing grows there.
I know I’ve done it before. I left my comfy, stable career as an accountant. That was scary, definitely uncomfortable, like jumping off a cliff. But I had a safety net. I had a husband who could provide for our family.
Now, I have no safety net. I’m out there, on a limb, all alone. Yep, I’m feeling a tad fearful and uncomfortable. The thing is I only have to worry about me though. I can focus all of my energy, time, resources on me. I can be selfish. That’s so hard for me to say, being selfish. I have a knot in my stomach just typing the word. Yep, there’s the discomfort. Worst case scenario, I close my business and go back to being an accountant. And yes, that is the worst case scenario for me. Death by accounting. But, I’m not going to starve. I’m not going to be homeless.
What did I discover in this intensive session? There are 3 main parts to me: Colleen, Joy, and the Mind. Colleen is my inner voice, my intuition. I’m the leader, the commander, the critical thinker that gets things done. Joy and the Mind are part of me but separate. I know this all sounds a little weird, a little out there, a little woo-woo. I promise to write more about the 3 parts in another blog post.
For now, I leave you with this. What parts are part of you? Give it some thought and let me know in the comments.
Until next time,
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