I have been absent from my blog for more than 3 months now. I make no excuses. The new year has long come and gone and we are already into April. I need to create some magic for myself. It’s time.
I have always found the best way to sort through my emotions and get some much needed perspective is to write and then put it out into the world. Even if no one reads it.
Adopting our daughter back in 2005 was the most profound, joyful, scary, and life changing experience of my life. Now a mere 14 years later, I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams the three of us, my husband, my daughter and I, would be going our separate ways.
Now, this is another profound, scary, and life-changing moment. Is it joyful? Not yet. It was a shock to suddenly be on my own after 24 years of marriage. Our home of more than 18 years has been sold and I have moved into my own place.
Recently it was pointed out to me in a workshop that I am a rescuer in my relationships. It was abrupt and in my face but undeniable and eye-opening. When I look back over my life, I can see I have played that role for most of my life, or at the very least, my adult life.
I have been the rescuer and while that role sounds admirable, in assuming it, I denied myself a voice. I have not lived by my values. I have not been true to myself. I have not been honest with myself. Now it’s time to rescue myself. My word for 2019 is simply “SELF”.
The hurt, pain, loneliness, resentment, and anger are real and raw and there. I believe the universe, the powers that be, plunked this challenge down in my lap so I can do and be what I was meant to be, what I was put on this earth for. When I was young I always had this feeling that I was meant for more, that I was destined to do great things. I have not lived up to that so far. Now is the time.
It’s just me now. I can no longer hide behind the needs and wants of others. It’s time to deep dive into me, my beliefs, my inner voice, my intuition. To find that joy from within so I don’t have to look to others for happiness.
It will be a process, difficult and painful, the hardest work of my life. I will need help to do this and that’s okay. Strength and growth come from connecting with others, finding my tribe, not by standing alone.
I want to be a role model for my daughter. Not perfect, but authentic, compassionate, self-loving, strong, independent, and true to my word. I want to stand in my integrity.
Maybe this post should have happened months ago but I wasn’t ready. Now, it’s time. Time to create that magic.