Photo by Karly Santiago on Unsplash
I have been absent from my blog for more than 3 months now. I make no excuses. The new year has long come and gone and we are already into April. I need to create some magic for myself. It’s time.
I have always found the best way to sort through my emotions and get some much needed perspective is to write and then put it out into the world. Even if no one reads it.
Adopting our daughter back in 2005 was the most profound, joyful, scary, and life changing experience of my life. Now a mere 14 years later, I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams the three of us, my husband, my daughter and I, would be going our separate ways.
Now, this is another profound, scary, and life-changing moment. Is it joyful? Not yet. It was a shock to suddenly be on my own after 24 years of marriage. Our home of more than 18 years has been sold and I have moved into my own place.
Recently it was pointed out to me in a workshop that I am a rescuer in my relationships. It was abrupt and in my face but undeniable and eye-opening. When I look back over my life, I can see I have played that role for most of my life, or at the very least, my adult life.
I have been the rescuer and while that role sounds admirable, in assuming it, I denied myself a voice. I have not lived by my values. I have not been true to myself. I have not been honest with myself. Now it’s time to rescue myself. My word for 2019 is simply “SELF”.
The hurt, pain, loneliness, resentment, and anger are real and raw and there. I believe the universe, the powers that be, plunked this challenge down in my lap so I can do and be what I was meant to be, what I was put on this earth for. When I was young I always had this feeling that I was meant for more, that I was destined to do great things. I have not lived up to that so far. Now is the time.
It’s just me now. I can no longer hide behind the needs and wants of others. It’s time to deep dive into me, my beliefs, my inner voice, my intuition. To find that joy from within so I don’t have to look to others for happiness.
It will be a process, difficult and painful, the hardest work of my life. I will need help to do this and that’s okay. Strength and growth come from connecting with others, finding my tribe, not by standing alone.
I want to be a role model for my daughter. Not perfect, but authentic, compassionate, self-loving, strong, independent, and true to my word. I want to stand in my integrity.
Maybe this post should have happened months ago but I wasn’t ready. Now, it’s time. Time to create that magic.
~ Colleen
2019 Forget for a Moment Makeover
Courage – that is what you are modeling. One most of us as women could adopt easily, every year, as our journey of self-examination and growth continues. Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable. I hope I am part of your tribe – always in your corner cheering for you!
Betty, thank you so much for your encouraging words and you are definitely part of my tribe! I feel better knowing you are in my corner cheering me on.
I love this, and you , for your honesty. I have read and re read this several times….not only because I can relate to everything you’ve written, but the sense of hope and connection I feel knowing none of us are really alone. When we (finally) open up and are our authentic selves, as you describe, weight is lifted from our shoulders and it becomes ok to share that load with your tribe? beautifully written and brutally honest. A new chapter can be exciting and scary but you get to write this one on your terms! It’s your time….❤️
Ahh, Ger, I love you too. We go way back to those teenage years in TBay. And now, so many years later, we can share in our new journey together. It’s funny how life unfolds, how people come and go and reconnect. As you said, it’s exciting and scary but also magical.
As always Colleen, your blog is real and honest and inspiring. We all need to give ourselves some space – space to cry, to grieve, to explore and to grow. Sometimes it is easier than others, but the truth of the matter is that it never stops….and we must ebb and flow like the tides to continue whatever journey we are on.
You have shown great strength in your life so far and i do not expect that will change. Lots of love being sent your way. You are a warrior!
Sue, thank you for sharing your words of wisdom, coming from a true warrior yourself. Thanks for the love and sending it right back at you!
Colleen, you’ve always been yourself and always been strong and wise. Everyone follows a script to some degree and it’s probably only at this age that we can really step outside our lives and see what’s happening and feel strong enough to do something about it. There’s no fixed timeline for life. It’s messy and you correct course throughout life as needed. That’s way better than keeping your head in the sand and not seeing reality.
Sarah, you’re right, with age comes wisdom. We have a clearer sense of ourselves and what we need to do to flourish. I guess it’s true what they say, it’s never too late.
C, you are awesome! xoxo
T, you’re pretty awesome yourself. Don’t know what I would do without your friendship and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Welcome back to your digital space! I look forward to reading all about your new adventures.
Natalie, I have missed you! Thank you for the welcome back. We need to have that coffee date soon.
This is your time to shine Colleen!! I love that you are embracing your new beginning. This is your year.
Thanks, Anna! 2019 is my year! I look forward to having you be a part of it.
It’s going to be fabulous!! I can feel it❤️
Thanks, Anna! I feel it too!
Colleen, your words ring with authenticity, truth, vulnerability and courage! Yes, you are at that wonderful period of life when we finally get to be who we were designed to be! This is a time of great richness, colour and vibrancy and you are embracing it well despite the pain of all the changes. Your work in the world is so important, you gifts and talents are needed and I simply love the clothes you create!! 2019 is a great year to start fresh. Your dreams are supported by many!! Breath and be. All is good.
Teri, thank you for your words of wisdom and for your support. I draw a lot of strength from you and many others. I have to trust the universe will take care of me. And to breathe, thanks for the reminder!
I am a new friend but from the beginning I have felt your strength and also sensed a need in you to discover your “self”. You are amazing as you are, but I know you will grow and shine in your new life.
Heidi, you have been an amazing friend and business bestie in action! I’m so proud of you for making your travel business a dream come true. You are my inspiration!
I just read this for probably the third time this morning.
Yep, that shotgun seat is yours, any time you want. We can go as fast as my insurance can afford and the radio as loud as you want. And any station you want. That is the privilege of riding shotgun.
And if you want the keys, just use your words.
Bring your skates.
Lol, Vick, thank goodness for my skating friends. Skating has definitely kept me sane over the last 6 months.